Chaos

One word. Chaos. The perfect word to describe the recent incidents.
Unstable, unpredictable and insecure. Everything around me seems to have shuffled around; I no longer see clear anymore and I am no longer certain in the decisions I make.

After reading Susan's blog, it really just inspired me to update my blog once again. If you want to know about my days, you can pretty much find out through her blog cause our days pretty much revolve around each others. In case you cannot be bothered to read hers, I'll briefly account my current state of life. School is quite hectic and clearly Year 12 is a pain in the ass as the people who've been through it would know, but it is all coming to an end and fuck am I looking forwards to the holidays and the New Year. Love is no consolation, in fact it is the cause of the chaos and as usual it's complicated, complex, troublesome and difficult to deal with. Family, love them to bits and pieces as usual. Dad's overseas at the moment but will be seeing him soon in the holiday. Friends, they really do "come and go". Selection of friends are vital in the development of one's character. The influences, mindset, morale and the impacts that might seem insignificant are in fact irrefutably powerful. However, there is one thing I came to understand, and that is before I make a judgment on anyone, I should really stand altruistically and look at myself first.

Lately, it seems like the bad won't let me go and leave me alone. Wherever I am, trouble accompanies me. Some days I feel like I should approach these matters in life with a bit more maturity, yet most of the times I feel like I'm just too young to care.

I've been reflecting on these past days, and it's taken me emotionally to this ambivalent state of mind and the desperation for these commotion to subside is wearing me out.
No matter how much reassurance I am given that this isn't completely my fault, my guilty conscience gnaws on my emotions, feeding on my faults and the consequence leaves me haunted.
I believe that everything happens for a reason, it doesn't mean we will necessary comprehend, understand and accept the 'reason' given.
Life is too short to be lingering on the bitter past, live the moment and create worthy memories, take more photos (it does last longer), smile more because before you realize it's all becomes part of your history that you can't turn back. Forgive but never forget. learn from mistakes but never regret. Perhaps that's the motto I should live by for now.

I hope the chaos settles soon before the hurt pierce any deeper. Really wish I could be there for comfort.

Ivan, you have supported me unconditionally, and even though some days you are the core reason of my headache and heartache, I love you endlessly.
Jian, Susan, MJ, Kele & the girls, you girls are the best, I don't know what I'll do without you girls helping me with my boy problems and you girls bring FUN to a new level.
The gents, sighs, you guys create so much problems, but thanks for being here for me as well. You guys are fucking awesome.

Lastly for those in my life that is like chiming, like just stay away. Don't flatter yourself when I talk to you I just need my shit off you, you know who you are! Shit mouthing and talking dirty, keep my name out of your mouth you lowie. Anyways I don't hate cause I just don't care.

Long day tomorrow, so I'm gonna start catching up on some school work and head to bed early.
Goodnights m'fellow blog readers,
Cynthia
x

Changes '08

This is a poem I wrote a while ago for him, thought it'd be nice to share it. There's no complex theory behind this poem, so take it in as it's read.

She's so much better than before,
She's giving in so much more,
But he fails to see the change in her,
Holds back from being the way they were,
And every single passing day,
She's thinking of a way,
Words are just words, the actions are needed
Mistreating and mistreated,
Fighting and defeated,
Back and forth, the show's repeated
No choice but to let him, too weak to pull back,
Maybe a lost of mind, lost of track,
Perhaps she's lost her heart,
To the person he was at the start,
& she holds him back when he leaves,
But chokes at the words of what she believes
The love, the string has been burnt out,
She's chasing something she doubt,
But too scared to accept and see,
Wanting him to be the air she breathes
Her close ones reminds her to let go,
Something thats dragging her down low,
But its something else that keeps her holding on
The obstacles they've overcomed, but could that be wrong?
She scared, she masks her face,
She thinks if only she, he could embrace,
Lung closed at the sight of his smile
But since the last time its been while,
He refuses to treat her like a queen
Or maybe its the love unseen...

This is, or perhaps is still my story. Enjoy, goodnight and sleep tight blog readers.

Love,
Cynthia

#1O17

The 3 most painful words you'll ever hear.

i give up

especially from the only love you knew.

I flush that date down the toilet.

How Could You

Shattered.
I'm a prisoner of my own words,
but no longer, I'm free.
Now you made me see,
We never were meant to be,
Yet held the biggest part of me.
I guess it was just cliche,
to say you're my destiny'.

Drowning In Sorrow

Another month has just passed by.
First thing's first. Pinch & a punch for the first day of the month.
I haven't been able to blog due to the busy month, there has been a birthday a day at least during October, My birthday, parents flying back and forth, parties, studying, camp and so on. Let me make it up, even though I should be preparing to go out now.

--------------- Drowning In Sorrow ---------------

These mornings, the moment I break into consciousness, I feel like I'm weighed down, and the force I push against gravity drains the energy accumulated even after a whole night of resting.
I reach for that one person that promised to be there to pull me up to only find him stirring the pain and pushing me closer towards the edge.
He anticipates my working mind, leaving no room for chance, as he uses the most powerful weapon, called jealously to revenge me, leaving me to only suffer in my own sorrow and pain silently..
What he doesn't know, won't hurt him.
I save him the guilty conscience by keeping it to myself, not hurting him. Then realizing later, I've already unleashed this burden to be shared with someone else more willing to take the pain away, 2nd him & another him.
My mind fights to comprehend and distinguish the difference between truth and sweet words. I fail clearly as I get crushed again and again.
Fool me once, shame on him. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Yet, Inevitably somewhere in the cursing I find myself still sparing some tenderness, and hoping he recognizes and reaches out again to me, but all shatters when the hopes vanishes in thin air.

I can only express this sorrow as drowning because it's suffocating, and somehow I am unable to relieve this suffering whilst more is being added. It's like unable to get a breath of air enough to live on fighting whilst being suppressed away from surface, deeper into the vast expanse of water.
I find it extremely difficult to release this hurt. One's that want to be there tends to be the people inflicted by their personal pain knowing the reason I'm hurt. It's suffering on the account that this problem cannot be shared without hurting one person or another.

AH FUCK got school tomorrow.. continue another day.
[imym]
Goodnights y'all !

Holidays Over

Holidays are over now, today's the last day, unfortunately this wouldn't be considered an ideal way to finish my holiday, waking up too early, as this extra day of holiday was unexpected. Thanks to my punani, I woke up got into my uniform and halfway through breakfast I receive a call, and it went like this:

Me: Hey Lily
Punani: Hey, are you at school yet
Me: No, I'm still home eating breakfast, where you?
P: I'm nearly at school, but it doesn't look right..
Me: Oh you serious, good good go check! HAHA
P: f**k you, haha I'll call someone else, I don't wanna go in alone
Me: Ok, bye

So basically, there was no school, so my punani came over and we just chilled the whole day and went to city afterward. There's not much to blog today, because I'm suppose to go sleep now cos I'm dead tired. 3 hours of sleep in 3 days, thats pretty fcuk™ed. Anyways, hope this makes you happy Bonniie, because this is for you baybay.
Hope everyone had an awesome holiday and getting ready for another busy term/semester or whatever. Well looking forward to finishing school early tomorrow =]

Goodnight blog readers,
Cynthia

Just another dime

Gallery - Mario Vazquez

I strongly advise you to click on the link and download it if you do not have this song on your playlist. This song has the entire package; the lyrics, the music, the voice and I just loving every bit and part of it. 3 years since I had this song and I still cannot get enough of it, and so I assume neither will you.
The song lyric reminds me of this one quote:

One man's trash is another man's treasure

I'm sure you've heard of it somewhere, but this quote has been and still remains as one of my favorites, for one reason because it's true.

Well tonight, I was suppose to blog about this entire concept of the above quote, but I got carried away with the movie. Mickey Blue Eyes (1999) movie, recommended to me once and its been a while =) made my night. Anyways I will continue this blog when I get the time, meanwhile, I hope all you blog readers are keeping warm and enjoying what's left of the holidays if you are on them or getting back to uni or I don't know just partying it up!
Enjoy and goodnight for tonight,
Cynthia

Like a Rose

Like a rose - A1

if you haven't heard it, it's quite an old song, but remains top on my list. So check it if you haven't already.

So I was just talking to Sinner about Roses & it reminded me of this thing I heard ages ago, most of you probably have heard it but I find it extremely cute, so let me write it out before it slips out of my mind. Okay, I have no idea how to start it, I just wrote one line and it looked really out of place so I backspaced, maybe I'll write it in a form of short story.. See how it goes..

-----------------------------

Against the chilling breeze, her cheeks flustered and he gently brushes his thumb across her soft cheeks, wiping away the little drops that dampened her face and glistened her eyes. Time does not wait for anyone. As each painful minute passes by, she tries to savor each and every moment of what's left they have between them. In the silence, they stood, one hand in his, and her other one grasping tightly onto the golden plastic decorated cellophane that wrapped around the bouquet of 12 red roses given to her that evening as a gift.

"I promise to love you until the last rose dies," he whispered as he leaned closer to plant a kiss her forehead, then turned and walked away. She wanted to hold onto his warmth, his last presence, his last gaze and inhale him into her one last time, his cologne familiar and it excited her inside, but she couldn't. The warmth of his kiss still lingered, but he was already out of sight.
Unable to react, unable to comprehend, unable to chase after him. She knew he was gone.
Speechless and confused, their love so clear and transparent, she knew him like she knew the back of her own hand, but why does he feel so foreign now, so distant, so far and it crushed her because she knew something was not right.
She aches as he takes a part of her as he leaves, her world in slow as she watches herself fall apart. I love him, she murmurs, the sudden wind gushes by and deafens her words. Roses never last more than two weeks and neither will his love for me.. She felt a sudden tightening in her throat, her breath shallows and she starts to fight back the forceful tears that rushed down her face again. Her emotions overpowers her physical strength and she's left crouched and violently controlling and fighting away her tears.

The roses started to die one by one, until there was one left, the rose remained as a red, just as beautiful as the day she was presented with them. Curious but afraid that if she touched it, it would turn into ashes before her eyes..

Truth was, he handed her 12 roses that night, 11 real ones, 1 fake and vowed to her that he would love her til the last rose dies..
& of course all you smarty pants know the last one won't die..

Okay, so my 'smarty pant' friend said, let me quote:
Lily: Or you can interpret it as the last rose is just as fake as his love for her.
Real humor huh =.='

Awwes, all too sweet, haha as you could see I got lazy towards the end. My truth is, halfway writing I realized I could of just wrote it in one sentence and two lines. Wasted my effort. ANYWAYS time to sleep & I don't want to keep Sinner up with me as well. So let's all rest. Goodnights and good rest blog readers.

Love,
Cynthia

道星

You're still a stranger to me, still foreign,
But I'm addicted now, boy you ain't borin`
This thing you do to me, tests new heights,
Along with the flow & whatever feels right,
I'm loving how you taking it slow,
The mystery that follows not being able to know,
Not knowing the direction of how this will go,
Now knowing the speed of how fast it'll grow,
There' still a part of me you haven't met,
Cos the introduction might be hard to get,
Because it's not something I can easily forget,
My heart is damaged, not what you'd expect,
But I have tried every remedy,
Nothing seems to have yet worked with me,
I've been there done that, met the worst,
but its' expected there'll always be a first,
All I need is your patience and understanding
Cos if you wanna be close you gotta lend a hand in,
Give me some time to let the wounds heal,
Cos I've risked it all and it felt surreal,
Love's a gamble, are you game to deal?
I'll give it all just to relive and feel,
& now I'm caught in a state of infatuation,
Perhaps a new chapter in creation

No Promises

I know they say people who make excuses will always be failures, but seriously I have had no time whatsoever in these past days to submit any blogs with my daily routine consisting of waking up in the late afternoon and rushing out of the house by 4pm or 5pm. My first meal is usually one's third meal of the day, then I go busy with whatever I am busy with (usually making the most out of my holiday). I then get home at 12-2am and somehow I will manage to kill two hours before I snooze off to sleep, and before I know it, I'm back in the routine.

So maybe you will now understand the reason I have not been able to blog, however two days ago I woke to an eye infection, known as conjunctivitis usually this is obtained through unhygienic contacts with the eye. So now I cannot wear contact lens for this upcoming week, meaning I have to go shopping for optical glasses and I have my eyes set on these nice Bvlgari pink&black glasses, quite pricey but it's nice.
The downside is I can no longer forcefully strain my eyes as I so often do and due to the fact I am also currently half blind, going out is a struggle, leaving me to my one and only option left, to sleep... not that it's a problem.
Daddy came back this morning, so I had to pick him up from the airport then we went breakfast, this is the earliest I have woken up since my holiday started beside one morning I went for a jog in the morning but somehow found myself eating Maccas` HotCakes at Sin's apartment within the first hour of departure. So enough of my convincing excuses, let me blog.

----------------------

Would you give it all just to taste my love?

There has been some thoughts that has been stimulating my mind for the past nights, the usual questions without answers, problems without solutions, pain without ease and even with solution, no actions can be taken. Simple aimless circling thoughts leading nowhere.
At every possible alone moment my mind drifts back and resumes with the continuing thoughts where I left off.

I stripped into the shower the minute I got home from dance the other night, my body had dried sweat and the clothing sticky against my bare skin. I let the running water in the shower warm up and steam the room before I stepped out of my thongs and onto the cold tiles. My body ached and I was exhausted but I could finally breathe again. The day was long and nothing else at the moment formed in my thoughts besides him and my bed, I laughed at how ironic it was for me to place 'him' and 'my bed' together at the same time, but that was all I could bring myself to think about. I watch the hot running water wash away my day and swirl away beneath me, I felt lighter as I step out, got dressed and slip under my covers. I left the window in my bedroom open and occasionally I'd feel a light chilling breeze brush by, the room is dark and the only glimpse of light was from the silent moon ray shining through. I find myself unable to pull away from the dark thoughts as I lie solitude in my empty bed. The nights haven't been as cold, but I still wrap myself with blankets in hope to feel warmer inside, I let my mind roam around recalling words he spoke to me, my memory fixated on his love words and it plays along with the melody of the songs as my eyes closes and I leave behind it all into my own world.

The feelings of missing him is like being homesick, because I have found my own little home in him, comfortable and at ease. Home, being a place where I would feel familiar to no matter the physical alteration, a place where I'll always miss. It doesn't mean I can be there all the time but I will return one day to feel it all over again.

Life is like a roller-coaster and I refuse to be a spectator, I want to live life knowing I have lived at it's fullest. I've taken the risk with him, been at the peak and skidded down so fast I was scared to open my eyes and see what I've been missing out, only when I reach the bottom and stopped have I realized what I was blinded to see. I'd give it all up just to taste it all again, taste the love that took me higher and made me happier than any drugs could. Question is, will you give it all just to taste mine?

I miss hearing his voice, deep and caring as each word penetrates deep within. He's the only person that could make me feel alive, he floods me with emotions and it overwhelms me, but at all time I keep the possible notions that it could all just be too good to be true when he tells me 'I love you', my heart skips a beat like a scratched CD, I'm damaged at heart but I feel refreshed again. His promises tantalizes me and keeps me holding onto to what may just be a mere illusion, and that's what this love has become.
This morning I woke up, afraid and confused, days like this I miss him, I need him, I want him but I don't have him. I'm afraid of not loving him anymore because I loved being in love with him, I'm scared to lose what we've shared because I know it's real, I know there's something special between us, but how long can I possibly stick around the sideline and watch him enjoy life without me? How long before another guy comes and sweeps me off my feet? How long will I have to wait til he realize I am who he want and need? How long before.. it's all too late?
I don't know how to say it to him or when to ask him, because every time I try I choke on my own words, my chest tightens and my breath shallows. Some days it's irrelevant, some days it's crucial, but it doesn't change how much I need to feel his love again, how much I am still addicted to it. Please love me more or else I'll be gone, I don't want to leave but I feel like I'm fighting and racing myself to keep you and I'm few steps behind, I don't want to let go but I forgot how it was to be loved again. I miss you. I miss love.

Goodnight blog readers,
Cynthia

Holidays Week 1 Day 3-5

It's currently 3AM Wednesday morning. This is the time I've been sleeping for the past nights and it's the way I like it, I'm so grateful for the holidays and I love it more because knowing that I am home sleeping in whilst others are at school or that I'm not rushed to be back home early like others because I don't have school the following day just makes life for me a little better. TEEHEE
Anyways I did mention I was going to blog everyday, but because I forgot to blog yesterday I will make up for it by updating on my previous days.

Sunday, I woke up late, perhaps nearly too late, so thanks to my em gai & chi hai for giving me the wake up call to get to Kenky's Hip-Hop audition @ 3.30PM on time.
The afternoon was immensely hot and due to the closed windows and doors, the disfunctional air-conditioner, small studio and large crowd the room became suffocating. By the end of the rehearsal, only the stronger ones sustained in the heat, me being one of them x) HAHA jokes.
For people wondering who is Kenky? He is one of China's most famous dancer with an experience of 10 years at a mere young age of 23, previously a singer as well but pursued and succeeded in his career as a Street dance performer and instructor. Ok enough about him and more about me! The rehearsal was very promising but as usual, performing under pressure during the audition is nerve racking and a weakness for a amateur like moi. On the bright side, it was a good experience and there will be plenty more auditions to come. By the time the audition was completed, I was drenched, again a positive outlook would be that I had a free shower.
Reese, em gai & I decided to go grab some comfort food, ended up eating Sushi, Nandos and KFC.. nothing significant after that. I separated back home, where I took a shower and lazed around at home.

Monday, I was woken up by the loud vibrant sound of 'I really see you as my girl, cause I like you...', which happens to be my ringtone. The unknown number appeared to be my driving instructor in which I fail to recall myself making the appointment with her for a lesson in the morning, but I quickly apologized and got dressed. I was immediately welcomed into the driver seat and followed the simple procedure of buckling the seat belt, adjusting the seat, gearing and handbreaking, for some odd reason the instructor didn't really seem professional. 'Have you driven before?' was her first question, when my response were uncertain she just told me briefly about the accelerating pedal and breaking pedal and asked me to take off. The whole hour I kept getting reminded by a sudden assisting jerk of the steering wheel to the right, because I kept subconsciously drifting to the left of the road, the day was bright and warm, we drove around Fivedock and back home. Driving is quite fun, now I'm waiting for my manual lesson.
So anyways after the lesson, I found myself eating away, gaming and chilling at Siner's apartment and before I realised I have left and my day once again revolved at DK, where I decided to purchase a 2 week unlimited pass, the decision finalised the way in which I will conduct my schedule for this up coming two weeks of my holiday. After a tiring day of dancing and embarrassment during Breaking class, I was picked up and taken to eat midnight snack at Maccas and then escorted to the station where I travelled home and slept. Gosh I love my daily routine.

Tuesday, unlike the previous days, I woke up in the afternoon, had brunch with my mother and DnM'd, something I haven't had the opportunity to do in a while. After a few hour I got changed and headed out expecting the same bright and sunny weather only to find myself cursing the chilling breeze and quickening the pace with the sleeves of my shirt tightened with my hand into a fist walking to the station.
Dance class was exciting and like always I enjoyed it. I recharged my phone and made a call to him. I miss him a lot and as usual I found myself weakening before him, he still manages to reach deep inside and touches the part of me that yearns for his affection, his presence soothes the aching pain of missing him as he find that same spot that makes me feel so complete, so fulfilled and so comfortable. My heart is still with him and each fading day I find myself not loving him any less. So after all its still clear to me even though love is supposingly blind. Only difference is our conversation are not allowed to be the same, we force it to dry and intensify the awkwardness that barely ever existed between us. However, what's meant to be will be. I had quite an eventful day at DK, and highlight, I was an epic failure during the Int/Adv classes, clearly not at the standard yet but thanks to the support of Miss J (really is a a guy friend that studies Fashion Design) I managed to follow up. <3 Well it's 5am, took me a while to blog but it's because I am also half finishing the movie The Mummy 3. Which I guess will have to be completed tomorrow because I am tired. So goodnights because I will be expecting wake up calls tomorrow =[ NOOOO !

Goodnight m'dear blog readers.
Love, Cynthia

Fireworks today, WHY?

So why is there fireworks today? I was in the city and suddenly I look up and there were fireworks, and it wasn't the short ones, it went on for like 10mins. So why? I'm so confused, what day is it today? 20th September 2008? Nothing is clicking in my head. Mind you, the fireworks were quite the works, colorful & pretty. Okay, enough random rambling, even though this entry will be quite a random one because I don't really have a context to focus and talk about..
Maybe I'll focus on apologizing and explaining why I haven't been blogging? Ah wells. Just read up!

Anyways..

Love, above all things, I believe in love, love is like oxygen, love is a many splendid thing, love lifts us up to where we belong, all you need is love.
- Moulin Rouge

I thought I'd share this.. Quite cute.
Reminds me of one person, he always use to annoy me with it. Now I miss it all.

I haven't had a time to blog properly or even blog at all. inc.LOVE | Part 3 | is still in the making, so I apologize for the awfully long delay.
& as you would have noticed, if not already guessed I have been super duper busy.
So sorry to all my loyal blog readers, and if you don't believe me you should really check out my room, its like a cyclone has just passed by. I would love to take a photo for you but I'm scared to look at it myself. All the stuff I have to clean. Oh dear.
BUT good news is, I'm finally on holidays, & all I've been doing is shaking my thang ;] ie. Dancing. Oh I have been eating A LOT as well, especially at Passion Flowers (Ice-cream), everyday I have ate there. I'm sure I am doing their business a big favor, but they deserve it. All should TRY GreenTea Ice-cream OR Lychee Rose Petal Ice-cream, it is a MUST and if you don't you're truly missing out on life. Okay that was a tad too dramatic.

So what I plan for this holiday of mine, I will aim to;

• Get fit and;
• get smart.

Funny.

Well, hope you're all doing well, behaving and enjoying the spring breeze with someone special. Winter and wet days are still lingering around, so don't get too excited and head out to the beach, chance is you'll probably find yourself wet before you even make it into the water! HAHA What a humour I have. x)
HAHA Okay, well I WILL be making an effort to keep this blog posted... hopefully soon.

Love,
Cynthia

Chocolate Mousse

I had the yummiest mousse today, from NANDOs. If you haven't tried it. It's recommended.
What a routine I have now, Starbucks and DanceKool. =)
Well I'm so relieved school is settling down, chilled.. been waiting for this in a while.

But still...these days have been chaotic and not everything has been going my way..
So I just feel like taking this chance to apologize to the people I've been hurting, friends, families, lover, all these times I've been selfish, careless, unaware and not giving a shit how my actions impact the way you are.
I have no harmful intention and so, I just need some understanding..
It's my misunderstandings that has caused more misunderstandings, so even though I don't think I should be responsible solely, I will take the blame.
In time I hope you will be able to let go and forgive me for my mistakes..

To the one love I've lost, in 2 days should of been a day to remember, but we no longer share it anymore.. i still miss you. Though we are no longer together, and our paths have finally separated, I will not and cannot deny that I love you, always&forever.

Some things are hard to let go and forgive, some are too painful to let go and forgive, some refuse to leave, some things return.. But everything is revolved around time.
& so I'll leave with a saying:

Time heals all wounds

Gosh how emo is this blog =__________=" tomorrow will hopefully be a happier one.

Goodnight,
Cynthia

$2 BATTLE

Ooahh $2 battle at DK was so fcukin' awesome =]
The competitors are so good, such motivation and inspiration they bring.
& I decided with my girls that I would join the next $2 Battle hosted. Goodluck to me.
Went to Pancakes at the rock today, wasn't that great =/ Don't know why. Pancakes tasted dodgy.
Oh I went to watch the movie 'In Bruges' & for those who wonder what it is & if it's good. I say..
Who the fuck cares what it is about, its like the biggest pointless movie outs. HAHA

This week is going to be a busy one I can predict. <3
& Shopping on Thursday. Long day tomorrow =[ anyways..

Keep y'all posted =D School tomorrow & I just got home, so I'm going to head back & rest.

Goodnights,
Cynthia

Make it work.

Sometimes I love you, more than you'll ever know
other times you get on my nerves
that's just reality
know it cant always be, kisses, hugs and beautiful words..

..Was dancing to this song yesterday. Now it's just stuck to my head & it reminds me of him, because every time we use to fight I would listen to this song and I knew we would make it work.
I just been asked whether I'm over him yet. Honestly, I am no where near because I still find it hard on some days to believe that we are OVER let alone moving on. I know it will take a while, but like I've always said. I don't have a direction so I'll let fate guide me around and go with the flow.

Well the rain has finally stopped, now I am waiting for the rainbow.. but it's taking it's sweet ass time.
How is everyone I wonder, so far all I've been hearing is people are sick. So for those that are sick I hope you get better soon!

Well right now, I'm cleaning my room & I shall proceed til completion.
I will keep updating this blog.

Enjoy your weekends blog readers.

taaaa ! xx
Cynthia

Aching muscles

My whole body aches. LOL I've had quite an intensive week of dancing.

What did I do today? Had an extremely long day, nearly 24 hours being awake already..
School as usual, received my Religion mark back and HELL YEAH I passed. So unexpected.
AUS Beijin Olympic 2008 gold medalist, silver medalist & bronze medalist for water sports came to our assembly, and yeah they graduated from MLC originally. HAHA quite awesome. Then walked from school back home, by then I was soaked head to know, my hair looked like I just got out of the shower, then I had an argument with mum cause I haven't been attending TAFE & yeah but it's such a waste of time =[ then went out dancing, caught up with some girlfriends. Then got picked up from DK & we went across the road for dinner at a Korean restaurant, but nothing beats Céci. Then the 5 of us decided to go eat dessert and took the bus to Max Brenner =) He ordered a fondue dip for two, so yum & yeah then the whole time since I was walking back home from school it never stopped raining.. =[ gay huhs.
But then we decided to all split up & I spent 2 hours walking around city in the pouring rain with [=. Windy, cold, wet but enjoyable. Then I went to Pymont to find my cousin to get back my jumper I left with him last year LOL. & Gosh I love his apartment! HAHA
Anyways so then I decided to head home afterwards, but Townhall station was CLOSED, and so the smart one decided to hail a taxi to Central station, yeah the asian taxi driver was like =______= and so racist, saying "Because we the same, chinese.. I take you to station otherwise if you were some Aussie I lock the door and drive away" LOL like wtf was I meant to say so I said "Yeah we the same, so THANKS"
LOL funny driver. Anyways then on the way back home it was STILL raining.. *sighs* & yeah was pretty soaked. But dw ALL dried now.

NB: Some content are excluded for some unquestionable reason. So please do not ask. =)

So yeah, update bout him. Haven't contacted each other since two days ago..
Then I went onto his FaceBook, and it seems he's been saying some negative shit about me to his friend, " is someone having a bitch again?!?!?
who you talking bout fool?!?! sounds like a real effing bitch aye! wdf how could she do that to you?! blahahah" Yeah. Direct quote. Quite depressing. Ah wells & all the clubbing photos, girls, I guess just angers me and gives me a more meaningful reason to let go. Don't wish to, but he leaves me with no choice, unless I choose to stick around and get hurt. Fuck that, I'm done getting hurt and I know so is he. Well if we were meant to be we'll find out ways back into each others arm with open heart OR each other's heart with open arms. Same shit. LOL
Otherwise perhaps in our next life, things could work out differently. So I give this love I've shared with him over these years my tender words I speak with sincerity.
I love you Ivan Tan.. Whether you're my love or my fate...

Now I bed & stop being emo about the case of the EX la.
Goodnights,
Cynthia

Stitch <3

I love stitch for one reason, cos it makes me think of him..
Oh wait maybe two, he is quite a cute little thing =D
=[ I miss him la, his voice & his impersonation of stitch!
It's so fucking cute & noone can do it as well as him..
Anyways you know those machine thing with the claws & soft toy.. Well I went to play that & spend like $30 on it.. I had my eyes set on Stitch, don't know why just for some reason I really wanted it.. or maybe because it just reminds me of him <3 Where he go? I don't know.. We haven't spoke at all today =[ Ah wells. Ooh I also got this MINI Hello Kitty toy, fuck that was worth more than the stitch.. stupid machines eat up all my money.. maybe my skills are still noob? LOL Well now that I finally got my STITCH after 2 days worth of work I am content.

Well I am extremely tired, should of blogged earlier but was watching Harold & Kumar II .
Funny movies, like the first 20mins of it is biggest crackup =]
But yeah long day ahead tomorrow, full day school, tutoring, dancing, dinner, movies, sleeping, shopping? I don't know .. Just trying to sound busy.. xD LOL

But yeah give a proper update of blogs & for those who are still hussling me to write chapter3, i will find time to complete it =] stay tuned.

Gnights & lots of LOVE,
Cynthia

Off the HOOK

Today school was dodgy, I should be writing my English Oral speech now, before I KO.
But I have to be loyal to my blog readers. LOL
Anyways so I brought a red STUSSY shirt quite a nice one too & good price.
I'm like so into red at the moment, wore a red Burberry jumper =) .
Anyways nothing too interesting today =D Got photos with NachoPOP & SugaPOP now..
YAYAAAAAH ! Dancing is OFF the HOOK!
Well sorry but going to keep this sort tonight .

Let's spice up the blog with something everyone should have already read..
Well I sympathize with any girls that have to go threw this <3 I say don't tolerate this shit.
Don't take it to heart though, just an interesting read.

If you dress nicely, he says you're a snob.
If you dress sexy, he says you're a slut.
If you argue with him, he says you're stubborn.
If you're quiet, he says you're stupid.
If you call him, he says you're needy and clingy.
If he calls you, he says you should be grateful.
If you don't love him, he'll try to win you.
If you love him, he'll leave you.
If you don't fuck him, he'll say you don't love him.
If you do, he'll say you're easy.
If you tell him your problems, he'll say you're irritating.
If you don’t, he'll say you don't trust him.
If you lecture him, he'll say you're bitchy.
If he lectures you, it's because he "cares".
If you break a promise, you can't be trusted.
If he breaks it, he had to.
If you cheat, he'll expect it to be over.
If he cheats, he expects to be given another chance either way.

PEACE OUT, A-TOWN!
Cynthia

Oral TomOral . BLEH !

Ya know how I met SugaPop yesterday I realized today that I also met NachoPop yesterday HAAAAAAA. & if you still don't know him THEN tsktsk ! LOL Cause I was taking random photos & I realized that he was in it! Omg i wanna see him again tomorrow! >=D
LALALA

So English assessment tomorrow, I'm so fucking tired. Currently 9:05pm
So my plan is I gather some energy & wake up earlier tomos . ya know at like 6:30am & DO IT !
=D haaa even though I said to myself last few times when I failed to get up to study that I would never rely on mornings to complete.. let alone start and finish an assessment. BUT I can't do it now either so .. basically I'm left with no choice! LOL

So Off I go.. to LALA land =D
Goodnight y'all !
Cynthia

Wise words .

Gotta take the good with the bad, 

smile with the sad..

love what you got and remember what you had..

Always forgive but never forget, 

learn from mistakes but never regret

people change, things go wrong

Just remember life goes on... 

First Day Of Spring

Too late to apologize? LOL Sorry blog readers who've been waiting and expecting inc.LOVE Chapter 3 by tonight, but I have been busy and the chapter is still in progress. But I will make the effort to get it posted sometime this week, so stay tuned! 

Update.

I am officially infatuated with dancing =D Can't get enough of it and what better way to get toned & fit by summer! So I am contemplating whether I should do intense dancing for the next two weeks. LOL. I met SugaPop today =D If you don't know who he is, youtube or google him! =D

Downside of today, shit morning, received my Mathematics Advance and Extension I Mathematic assessment back & unlike Jacqueline, I failed. So sad.. 

But it all evened out when I received a good mark for my Business Studies Major Research Task, but the neg. about that was.. I kinda expected higher because some people that are usually incapable of getting a high mark got 99%. LAWL. Anyways so school tomorrow, nothing too dramatic & English Oral Assessment on Wednesday and I am ABSOLUTELY C.LU-less about what I have to do. Guess I better do some research tomorrow at school! xD HAHA

Well goodnights all,

I said I was going to sleep earlier to all the people that called >.<>

Love, 

Cynthia

我门的爱 | inc.LOVE | Part III

inc.LOVE

This is written from personal experience and judgement. Hence, details of events and emotions expressed are recounted from 1st person perspective and may be inaccurate. Names mentioned are all actual people, unless requested to remain anonymous.

I decided to narrate about my first love in hope to preserve the memories; retell, remember and relive the experience just once more before I put it all behind me. In hope that I will come to revelation and learn from the events that has greatly influenced my life.

-- inc.LOVE --

Chapter Three: Establishment of Hawties #876

to be continued...

我门的爱 | inc.LOVE | Part II

inc.LOVE

This is written from personal experience and judgement. Hence, details of events and emotions expressed are recounted from 1st person perspective and may be inaccurate. Names mentioned are all actual people, unless requested to remain anonymous.

I decided to narrate about my first love in hope to preserve the memories; retell, remember and relive the experience just once more before I put it all behind me. In hope that I will come to revelation and learn from the events that has greatly influenced my life.

-- inc.LOVE --

Chapter Two: Out of Sight, Out of Mind?

He said before I left jokingly, 'make sure u miss me da most wen u go bak to sydney' but that was exactly what I did during my absence from Perth.

Sy was another person I kept as a close friend apart from Ivan, I considered the both as people I could trust and adored, by then Alan Tu had already slipped off my mind. The days back in Sydney remained quite but the occasional catch up sessions laughing about the memories of me playing Counter Strike (CS) for the first time, or the incident where Alan Tu's knife was thrown in the urinal and joking about the disguised black butterflies he noticed beneath my white shorts at the end of a busy week gave me reasons to look forward to the up coming holiday in July. He was one of those type of people, the more you knew the more you wanted to know, in time I grew to love his appealing personality. He knew how to make me laugh on days that were bad, but it was normal for friends to make each other smile, and though the conversation never lasted very long, it was enough.

It probably crossed my mind once or twice after the first trip I met him whether he was attracted to me, but nothing managed to confirm that. It first challenged me when he commented in early March referring me as 'da nicest sweetest prettiest hawtest most gorgeous of all da gurlz' and stating 'i mean all dis fingz ayz so dun fink im lyin or sum shyt lolz', of course I questioned it but soon concluded that it was just flattery words and dismissed it.

I can't exactly remember how it was phrased, but it meant that usually when a person is joking, half of what they joke is the way they feel, by expressing it in a jokingly way, it become a technique to allow articulation of one's true feeling without it becoming vulnerable.

Term 1 finished quietly. A new relationship launched with Josh English in May, just as a new term started, and ever since my conversation with him dried and became irregular.

My time was focused on the drama with the girls in school and outside that accompanied the relationship, not far down the track of the relationship with Josh, we came across an critical interception of path where he was given one chance to prove his worth and importance in my life. Disappointingly, he failed miserably and regretfully. The worst part, was he had an option to make a change, yet he stood their dumb-struck while I fell to the floor helpless.

Call it naive, inexperienced or love, but I forgave Josh and continued the relationship with faith that maybe something beautiful may develop.

Mimi was the first person that I told and I guess it was really fated how she chose to tell Ivan about the incident first. He was the second person to be informed and immediately I received a phone call from him to see whether I was okay. I still remember when I picked up the call, I was just entering the car park into my house from a piano lesson. Even though I haven't heard his voice in nearly half a year I was able to recognize it, it didn't feel foreign, never really did and it's something that has never changed in these years. The way his voice soothes and comforts my insecurities, my fears, my worries and I could hear from his tone that he was affected. He went through the trouble of finding a girl he knew in Sydney to see if she could help, though nothing instigated, I felt he treated me like his very own and I couldn't help to think what a great man he was. 

At the quite stage of the friendship, I knew if he was in any sort of difficulty or trouble I would be there for him, this proved right when I found out through friends that he had ran away from home, I instantly felt the urge to contact him and see if he was okay. I contemplated for a while before I called him, preparing for any awkwardness that might occur during an unexpected call, to my surprise, we were far from being uncomfortable and the conversation seemed like we've never stopped between us and my heart settled knowing that he was fine. 

The term ended and chaos was resolved, but more then ever I was ready to leave Sydney and escape all the troubles..

-- inc.LOVE --

我门的爱 | inc.LOVE | Part I

inc.LOVE

This is written from personal experience and judgement. Hence, details of events and emotions expressed are recounted from 1st person perspective and may be inaccurate. Names mentioned are all actual people, unless requested to remain anonymous.

I decided to narrate about my first love in hope to preserve the memories; retell, remember and relive the experience just once more before I put it all behind me. In hope that I will come to revelation and learn from the events that has greatly influenced my life.

-- inc.LOVE --

Prologue:

'Sorry to be doing this to you' he told her. She felt his sincerity, inhaled a deep breath and assured him...

'It's not your fault baby, I know if you had a choice you wouldn't leave me at all'

Early January 2006. Summer. A new year has just commenced and no one was aware of the significant impact this new beginning of the year was going to be for the future of two ordinary young people.

-- inc.LOVE --

Chapter One: [BumbOi s2 Me mOrE DeN WoRdZ]

During the Christmas holidays of January 2006, I was 14 years old and met someone I had no idea would change my life forever. He was 17 years young then. It started off as a trip to Perth, no different than any other I had been on throughout the years. I was introduced by Alan Tu and became the fresh face of Northbridge where I met him, Ivan Tan along with the other group of boys. The first day we met we spent the whole day together, observant and distant. It wasn't until we were at Cyber Net (CN) that I initiated our first conversation to a friendship that followed, suggesting him to 'add me up' on MSN. I met Ivan towards the end of my holiday and therefore our days were numbered. The one thing that has never changed.

He left me a first comment on 29th January on Hi5 mentioning 'Glad to haf met u cynthia!'

For me it wasn't love at first sight but there was something as special that left a lasting impression. He was so welcoming and he had an unavoidable aura that made me smile at his presence. At the time I met Ivan, I was crushing on Alan Tu but he never made me happy the way Ivan did and it seemed he realized, including in his first comment that I was 'alwayz smilin '. Alan never manage to make me smile nor provide me with the warmth that I desired, instead Ivan superseded. During the last few days of my trip, we grew closer and he became 'The One' that I felt a natural bond with. Soon, the day that I departed edged closer and I was left with more people to miss and farewell. I left him with a simple hug..

-- inc.LOVE --

Dearest David Truong

AKA. DTP

i love you . & for your sake I think you should start studying & do me proud.

make sure you make lots of money, become rich & take me shopping

Don't think I forgot our plans! GRRRR 

HAAA I quote thee

"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world"

<3

21 Questions + 29

Taxed Off Georgina's Blog [frame-me-up.blogspot.com]

1) Do you think you're a serious person?
I know I can be, when I need to be.

2) Have you kissed someone in the last 2 weeks?
No, do cheeks count?
3)Whos the last persons house you went to besides your own?
Anastasia the FLOP
4) Miss someone?
Always
5) According to your ex, you are?
Oh what a fucking question! PLK, unfaithful, unforgivable, untrustworthy, naive & the list could go off the page
6) Do you tend to fall for people easily?
No. Tends to be very hard unless you are someone special
7) Do you like someone right now?
Yes *giggle* HAHA
8) Listening to music?
Yes, all the time. Don't go a day without it. Currently playing on iTunes Glenn Lewis - Fall Again
9) What are you doing tomorrow?
Reflection day & SHOPPING in the city. Need to get: Gucci bag, New shoes & Sunnies.

10) How have you felt today?
Upset, cheerful, hyper, inspired, depressed, emotional and spoilt!
11) What were you doing at 8:00 this morning?
Dreaming, or drooling in my sleep.
12) Favourite colour?
Black & White (if that's a color). Otherwise all colors a nice depends on what though.
13) Do you tell your best friends EVERYTHING?
Everything? HAA Most things.
14) When was the last time you cried?
Crying was 3 nights ago, Click still gets me every time, tearing last night during HellBoy II. 
15) What is a difference between the last two people you kissed?
Person A a passionate affection, someone I was deeply inlove with; Person B was an accidental intimacy under the influence of alcohol. HAHA

16) What’s the colour of the shirt you are wearing?
Black
17) What did you do on Sunday?
Shit, that was last week, can't remember that far back. Poker all night I suppose?
18) Do you have any bruises?
NONE! Zilch!
19) What were you doing at noon yesterday?
Sleeping?
20) Are you gonna be home alone tonight?
Not tonight =P
21) Have you been outside today?
Not yet, but I will be in about an hour =) wOoOo! Night is for living remember! HAHA
22) The last text you received was from?
T-String. 
23) What did it say?
Crap! Watcha up to now? Not still in the city anymore?
24) Last movie you watched?
Hell Boy II
25) Are you wearing pants?
Yup. My grey baggy pants
26) Are you wearing any jewelry?
My diamond studs. That's ALL!
27) Last person you hugged?
Carl.S

28) The last place you went to?

Cinema
29) Who/What made you upset today?
Thoughts.. of him
30) Do you sing in the shower?
HA of course, but usually just singing along to the music pumped
31) Has anyone ever sang or played music for you personally?
Yes. Many times ^^
32) When was the last time you had a sleepover?
Does sleeping overnight in a car counts? Otherwise, before the last school holiday
33) Would you ever consider moving to another state to be with the one you love?
Even considering another FUCKING country. =]
34) Who are you in love with right now?
Ivan Tan. Stupid question leaves me with no choice. HAHA
35) Do you trust all of your friends?
I do to certain degrees, but I trust them all. But come to think about it, I should start selecting who I trust. 
36) Do you have a dirty mind?
THAT you'll have to find out yourself, depends who I'm with and who I'm speaking to =P

37) What colour are your bedroom walls?
Ivory-ish beige-y cream.
38) What should you be doing right now?
Getting ready to go out, homework-ing or something more productive.
39) Do you get along with your parents?
I would like to think so! HAHA But I love them bits and pieces. 
40) Are your parents divorced?
Nope. Only physically separated. 
41) Ever wanted to be a teacher?
NEVER EVER EVER EVER!
42) Ever been stuck in an elevator?
Like half stuck? Like for few minutes and it started to work again.

Stupid NB Carpark in Perth, actually I should blame the person. HAHA
43) What do your friends call you?
Cynthia, Blondie... Beautiful? HAHAH
44) First thing you notice in the opposite sex?
Dress style & any features that stands out. Then hair, height, body built, smile, teeth, arms, skin, eyes, bum HAHA etc. List goes on.. 
45) Anything you wish you could tell someone but can't?
Yes few people I wish I could tell them but can't. One person I can't because it won't make any difference.
46) Do you like clowns?
HAHA Don't really give a shit. They ugly shits.
47) Do you have feelings for anyone, and if so, do they know?
Yes I do, stupid shit if they didn't know. My affection are expressive. 
48) What are you looking forward to?
I Can't Wait To See You [HIM] Again. Holidays and all the upcoming events to Celebrateeeee!
49) Happy now?
Yes. 
50) If you got to kiss anyone in the world who would they be?
My must-be-sexy-drop-dead-gorgeous Prince, Soul-mate, partner, lover etc. HAHA Thats enough. HAHA 

Apple Bottom Jeans

FOC-U's

For people who haven't watched Hell Boy II would be scratching your head.

It just happened that Carl.S figured out what sounded like "FCK YOU's" was actually a mispronunciation of "FOCUS" HAHA x4 Hell Boy II was better than I expected so if you haven't seen it, worth considering.

So today I met a lot of people, old and new people. Woke up late and was asked to go for a coffee with JayQueen, LYing & her ❤, but by the time I got there JayQueen was starting her shift. So I headed to grab a English Breakfast from Starbucks. I absolutely love Starbucks.

So L.Y & her ❤ decided to head home & so I spontaneously decided to go check up the dance sessions and catch up with some buddies, but once I got there I decided to dance. I missed it so much & it was nice to know that I was missed as well. HAAAAA My Private Dancer is one of the best dancers @ the studio, he admitted he missed me and that I was the sexiest girl in the dancing class.. and no I wasn't the only one in the class =P there were like 10 girls in there & he said it in front of all of them! CHEYEAAAAAH =] Hell flattered. LOL

But going unprepared, dancing became very difficult. Once you've tried to dance in tight jeans with lots of ass poppin', locking, gliding & hip-hop routines that requires you to get low low low.. you'll understand the pain I went through. I definitely shed few kilos sweating and working it. In between sessions and after lessons we went to get drinks and just caught up. Then out of nowhere I was invited to chime along to watch a movie. The movie finished at 11:54pm, so by the time I got home it was like.. time to sleep! HAHA Damn the boys at the studios are fineeeee, man they just heat up the dance floor!

Boys who knows how to dance are such turn ons & not just any boys that dances, they got to know how to dance. I met a gym instructor today, so I guess I have someone that will help me get toned for summer & just in time, because I need it. LOL

So after reading JayQueen's latest blog, makes me think about him again.

Haven't heard from him at all today, once again I'm edging towards a stronger standing of my intuition. But oddly, I'm starting to get use to this all, I don't get that strange, insecure feeling when I feel like I'm not a matter to him anymore or not in his thoughts anymore.

It was a lot of effort trying to refrain myself from calling him when I was dying each moment without speaking to him, sometimes I would prank just to see if he would message back or sometimes I would send a message in hope that it would spark some sort of communication, but it didn't. So the message is clear and I give up to be the one trying, instead I am going to embrace what I have now and just cherish what I had then.

I was insecure, but now I figured, what am I insecure about? Being left behind? Well he's already left so why do I keep feeling insecure.

I have erased the bad memories of him and kept all the good ones closer to me, so now I only remember those days where I felt like the luckiest girl in the world, because he knew how to make me feel that way, those days where I had a reason to come home everyday after a tiring day, those days I didn't feel lonely or uncomfortable when I 3rd-wheel friends & their ❤, those days where I had his guidance, support and help when I needed it the most, those days I knew no matter what happened he was there for me to console, to rely upon and those days where I wake up with a smile knowing that another day awaits us to create new memories.

All we ever had, were numbered days, quite similar to JayQueen & her first love. It seems that first love all share one thing in common, the numbered days? Well if you don't already know, he was my first love, the greatest one & I know he will leave a lasting impression in my life, not only that he has set my standard and all my expectation for men, and because I am too lazy now, when I get the time I will narrate our fairytale #1O17 the story of our love and tragedy.. Maybe tomorrow =]

..But all our days we were physically together were numbered, making each and every moments so unforgettable, each word, each touch, each contact, each hug, each kiss more special. He was like someone I knew I wouldn't ever get sick of, he was someone I wanted to be with.. forever. His promise still resounds in my head, replaying like a recorded disc on repeat, I hear it, except it's all just empty promises, like beautiful melody with meaningless lyrics.

He's still strong in my memories, but I'm still on this long and laborious journey of letting go someone I thought I never had to..

Ok, I've had an amazing day so I do not want to ruin it by going all into details about him because the more I talk about it the more I think, point is, there are pros and cons for everything, somedays I see more of the cons, somedays like today I see more pros. Don't want to be worrying about tomorrow, I just want to live the moment as it comes, good or bad.. I'll deal with it!

& OMG loyal blog readers can be so distractive sometimes, sif keep rushing me! LOL

This is for you Bonniie, since you keep rushing! Not my fault if you come across a lot of errors and weird sentences =P

Don't forget to stay tuned, more to come.

5.28AM EST

Love oh so dearly,

Cynthia

Redeem Myself

In reference to JQ's blog, I couldn't agree more that it's quite a difficult to start the blogging habit. However, there's nowhere better to express one's emotion other than the blog, because there's no need to worry about who's listening, who's not & there's no interruption of thoughts excluding the external factors ie. people calling, brother running in & out of the room.. 

So let's start of with my day? Technically I don't have a day, I woke up at about 4pm... got out of bed and saw Edmund (My brother, for the people who don't know) home from school already.. So then found some food to eat, then mum made me food, then popped on msn for a while until Ana asked me to go out with her, so being bored and slightly depressed I thought Why not!. So whilst I was getting ready, Mr. Breathless calls me & so we had our conversation & like always put a smile on my face & it appears that he doesn't like my hair short either. Dammit I wanted to get it cut shorter today. But anyway FASTFORWARD I got my nails done, shopped, bumped into friends & headed home. Then at 1am I get another call from Mr. Comfort asking me to come out to eat Kebabs. HAHA x2 .. 

HAHA (if you're reading Mr.JT =P) but yeah...

Speaking of Mr.Breathless, I have to share this with you all, it's the best I've heard.

C: What? You going to watch strangers (the movie) before me! GAH! 

*: Maybe, but I would rather watch it with you any day

C: Hmmm, actually I don't think anyone would want to watch scary movies with me, cos I tend to get a big grippy & might end up suffocating you LOL ^^"

*: dw, I'm use to you taking my breath away

* - the person I left breathless -aka Mr. Breathless

aiueryoaILSHdoILiawyroawyeh.... ahhhs isn't that SOOO sweet?;

a) No. - Well guess you had to be there at the time

b) Yes. - HAHA x4 NO SHIT! 

But that's not the only reason why he's Mr. Breathless, but also because he once dedicated a song asking me "How do I breathe - Mario Barrett" (if you haven't already heard it, it's a song worth downloading). Thus, the breathing difficulty he suffers over and over again gives him the nickname. iJOKE, I am so funny huh! ;] 

Anyways, so back to thoughts & regarding the title.. 

i NEED to redeem myself from the  case of the EX
So many hard decisions to make & each day I come closer to believing something I've tried so hard to convince myself that woulnd't be a possibility.. yet, each morning (more like afternoon LOL) I wake up more disappointed than the day before...

Mmm, before I continue, immerse into my feelings & K.O I'm gonna go make myself a milk tea & get ready for bed! 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

Okay, I'm back & its 6:30AM =____=  I might as well start another blog. 

HAHA but then what difference does it make.. 

So many people keeping me up tonight! 

HAAAA check this: 'Drunken mind speaks a sober heart' quoted by Bonniie.  

TEEHEE, I keep sidetracking but anyways...

I know I always wanted him to be happy with or without me, but selfishly, now I don't want him happy unless it was with me. 

I haven't heard from him & maybe he is forgetting me, I should let him because I know it's better for us this way, but at the same time I wish he didn't. 

I am constantly reminded that it's better he leaves me first because then I can move on without feeling I might be at loss with my decision, 'take this as an opportunity for you to take a step without guilt' and I'm told. It's just not that easy for me cos it's hard to wait around for something that might never happen, but it's even harder to give up when its everything I have ever wanted.

He didn't believe in the love I gave him & after being told, I couldn't help myself to start doubting my love for him.. It's only times like these do I know that the love I had for him was beyond what he felt and what I expected. 

Now, my intuition tells me that my significance diminishes in his life by the days that passes by, and though its hard to believe, I find it harder not to believe it. 

I am in no rush and so I guess the decision doesn't need to be rushed.

I know in time, truth will inevitably surface and love will prove it's worth. 

But even impelled by my conscience, I stand here constrained by the lingering memories left behind by him.. 

Ah I will continue this blog when I redeem my energy! =D So I leave with this.. 

The depth of life will dim my temptation to live for you,

If I were to be alone silence would rock my tears

So I put my arms around you, around you,

And I know that I'll be leaving soon..

My eyes are on you they're on you.

- Dancing by Elisa 

& nOoo I am NOT emo you faggots! Cheer up MY ASS! I'm always happy!

Sun has risen, I smell the MORNING. Time to sleep!

Good Morning to y'all & Goodnight to me,

Cynthia