Chaos

One word. Chaos. The perfect word to describe the recent incidents.
Unstable, unpredictable and insecure. Everything around me seems to have shuffled around; I no longer see clear anymore and I am no longer certain in the decisions I make.

After reading Susan's blog, it really just inspired me to update my blog once again. If you want to know about my days, you can pretty much find out through her blog cause our days pretty much revolve around each others. In case you cannot be bothered to read hers, I'll briefly account my current state of life. School is quite hectic and clearly Year 12 is a pain in the ass as the people who've been through it would know, but it is all coming to an end and fuck am I looking forwards to the holidays and the New Year. Love is no consolation, in fact it is the cause of the chaos and as usual it's complicated, complex, troublesome and difficult to deal with. Family, love them to bits and pieces as usual. Dad's overseas at the moment but will be seeing him soon in the holiday. Friends, they really do "come and go". Selection of friends are vital in the development of one's character. The influences, mindset, morale and the impacts that might seem insignificant are in fact irrefutably powerful. However, there is one thing I came to understand, and that is before I make a judgment on anyone, I should really stand altruistically and look at myself first.

Lately, it seems like the bad won't let me go and leave me alone. Wherever I am, trouble accompanies me. Some days I feel like I should approach these matters in life with a bit more maturity, yet most of the times I feel like I'm just too young to care.

I've been reflecting on these past days, and it's taken me emotionally to this ambivalent state of mind and the desperation for these commotion to subside is wearing me out.
No matter how much reassurance I am given that this isn't completely my fault, my guilty conscience gnaws on my emotions, feeding on my faults and the consequence leaves me haunted.
I believe that everything happens for a reason, it doesn't mean we will necessary comprehend, understand and accept the 'reason' given.
Life is too short to be lingering on the bitter past, live the moment and create worthy memories, take more photos (it does last longer), smile more because before you realize it's all becomes part of your history that you can't turn back. Forgive but never forget. learn from mistakes but never regret. Perhaps that's the motto I should live by for now.

I hope the chaos settles soon before the hurt pierce any deeper. Really wish I could be there for comfort.

Ivan, you have supported me unconditionally, and even though some days you are the core reason of my headache and heartache, I love you endlessly.
Jian, Susan, MJ, Kele & the girls, you girls are the best, I don't know what I'll do without you girls helping me with my boy problems and you girls bring FUN to a new level.
The gents, sighs, you guys create so much problems, but thanks for being here for me as well. You guys are fucking awesome.

Lastly for those in my life that is like chiming, like just stay away. Don't flatter yourself when I talk to you I just need my shit off you, you know who you are! Shit mouthing and talking dirty, keep my name out of your mouth you lowie. Anyways I don't hate cause I just don't care.

Long day tomorrow, so I'm gonna start catching up on some school work and head to bed early.
Goodnights m'fellow blog readers,
Cynthia
x

Changes '08

This is a poem I wrote a while ago for him, thought it'd be nice to share it. There's no complex theory behind this poem, so take it in as it's read.

She's so much better than before,
She's giving in so much more,
But he fails to see the change in her,
Holds back from being the way they were,
And every single passing day,
She's thinking of a way,
Words are just words, the actions are needed
Mistreating and mistreated,
Fighting and defeated,
Back and forth, the show's repeated
No choice but to let him, too weak to pull back,
Maybe a lost of mind, lost of track,
Perhaps she's lost her heart,
To the person he was at the start,
& she holds him back when he leaves,
But chokes at the words of what she believes
The love, the string has been burnt out,
She's chasing something she doubt,
But too scared to accept and see,
Wanting him to be the air she breathes
Her close ones reminds her to let go,
Something thats dragging her down low,
But its something else that keeps her holding on
The obstacles they've overcomed, but could that be wrong?
She scared, she masks her face,
She thinks if only she, he could embrace,
Lung closed at the sight of his smile
But since the last time its been while,
He refuses to treat her like a queen
Or maybe its the love unseen...

This is, or perhaps is still my story. Enjoy, goodnight and sleep tight blog readers.

Love,
Cynthia

#1O17

The 3 most painful words you'll ever hear.

i give up

especially from the only love you knew.

I flush that date down the toilet.

How Could You

Shattered.
I'm a prisoner of my own words,
but no longer, I'm free.
Now you made me see,
We never were meant to be,
Yet held the biggest part of me.
I guess it was just cliche,
to say you're my destiny'.

Drowning In Sorrow

Another month has just passed by.
First thing's first. Pinch & a punch for the first day of the month.
I haven't been able to blog due to the busy month, there has been a birthday a day at least during October, My birthday, parents flying back and forth, parties, studying, camp and so on. Let me make it up, even though I should be preparing to go out now.

--------------- Drowning In Sorrow ---------------

These mornings, the moment I break into consciousness, I feel like I'm weighed down, and the force I push against gravity drains the energy accumulated even after a whole night of resting.
I reach for that one person that promised to be there to pull me up to only find him stirring the pain and pushing me closer towards the edge.
He anticipates my working mind, leaving no room for chance, as he uses the most powerful weapon, called jealously to revenge me, leaving me to only suffer in my own sorrow and pain silently..
What he doesn't know, won't hurt him.
I save him the guilty conscience by keeping it to myself, not hurting him. Then realizing later, I've already unleashed this burden to be shared with someone else more willing to take the pain away, 2nd him & another him.
My mind fights to comprehend and distinguish the difference between truth and sweet words. I fail clearly as I get crushed again and again.
Fool me once, shame on him. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Yet, Inevitably somewhere in the cursing I find myself still sparing some tenderness, and hoping he recognizes and reaches out again to me, but all shatters when the hopes vanishes in thin air.

I can only express this sorrow as drowning because it's suffocating, and somehow I am unable to relieve this suffering whilst more is being added. It's like unable to get a breath of air enough to live on fighting whilst being suppressed away from surface, deeper into the vast expanse of water.
I find it extremely difficult to release this hurt. One's that want to be there tends to be the people inflicted by their personal pain knowing the reason I'm hurt. It's suffering on the account that this problem cannot be shared without hurting one person or another.

AH FUCK got school tomorrow.. continue another day.
[imym]
Goodnights y'all !