Love: 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

"Love is always patient and kind.

It is never jealous. Love is

never boastful or conceited. It

is never rude or selfish. It does

not take offense and is not

resentful. Love takes no pleasure

in other people's sins, but

delights in the truth. It is

always ready to excuse, to trust,

to hope, and to endure whatever

comes."

Freeze.

In the heated midst of violence and self inflicted damages, I find comfort knowing that I am untouchable, and though violence is in motion all in front of me I do realize the thousand miles that separates us. My mind screams, 'its the wrong choice', but my words speaks differently. It's not that I lie but an internal war I fight. I don't deserve to be treated this way but I'm confronted that instantly 'You deserve it.' Do I really? After all if you can not accept my wrong doing than leave me in peace, cause I rather that.

Will the haunting past leave with him?

But who are you to judge? You're not superior than me, wiser in age perhaps, but nothing better. I treated you with utmost respect to be yelled and screamed at in return and accused of giving you a reason for your own wrong doing. JUSTIFY THAT.

I know I deserve better than what you give me, I might have been you're little bitch, but how long do you think I can tolerate your shit while others are willing to offer better, more and better than what I think I deserve.

I use to believe you loved me and I still did till two days ago. I didn't know how to let go of someone like you I thought I couldn't find again, but I'm wrong. You've proved me wrong twice, both those reasons are the only reason why I held on and held my arms open to you. Baby you're just human and I thought you were my angel.

So you say you care, do you really give a shit about my state when you bring out past to blast me about? Do you consider my illness, sickness and weakness? Do you consider that I'm currently emotionally unstable? Do you even give a flying shit that you give me more trauma after a whole entire night of tears I've cried, the emotional ride I've been through and my temporary recovery? Is that even a concern to you.

You grind the surface of my fresh wound. Could at least give me some time to heal? Do you even care on nights you call me when I have exams and school the following morning? Do you even consider your own words that you'll support me, how are you going to do that? Yeah I see you're hurting, but do you think I'm not. Cos even if there was something pissing the fuck out of me, I select the appropriate circumstances so that it won't fuck up whatever you doing. Have I ever hinder you from doing something important because some issues I have with you?

What disappoints me the most is the qualities I use to admire bout you have disappeared.

"I will be stronger, wiser and better than what she will ever be" I quote thee.. really so? Babe I wish you the best of luck cause you properly need it, you're not greater than me but if by oppressing me makes you feel a bit better than by all means, but people aren't blind, those that open their eyes can see and judge for themselves and those judge based upon your words are as blind and pathetic as the one that claims it...

Lastly and most importantly, I want to thank ALL that have supported me through this low point in life, thanks for those that have prayed for my father and those that stood by me. I love you all..

But yaaa knowwwww I'm a Hustlerrrrrrrrrr =P

Cynthia

Toy Soldier

Must be the time of chaos again in the year, when the roller-coaster begins again...

Toy soldiers, perhaps you've been wondering why this title. Have you ever felt like you were being treated like a toy? That the person can completely disregard your emotions but play on your weakness the way she/he feels. That when she/he fights for you to come back, you'll fall back into their arms smiling knowing you'll most likely be torn to tears soon. You struggle to leave and treat her/him how you would otherwise treat others that showed the same amount of disrespect or hatred with the pride you have, fighting yourself to throw it all away and hoping she/he'll see it, but she/he misinterprets you, misunderstand and continues to pull you apart. 

When the moments of test arrives, she/he can discard you like you were nothing more but a backstabbing friend that didn't deserve a second look.

A mistreated toy, old, unwanted and though it's carried years of memories, the beauties gone. New ones can easily be found to replace what was once cherished...

Just a piece of thought... 

Hustling through the half yearly exams has really drained my energy away...

My results has been disastrous except it was expected, thankfully I've had some great supports from mates that assure me I will be getting a good mark and assist me till the end of the year. Its somewhat relieving but knowing this is also pressure, to not disappoint them at the end.

I'm excited to find out how my final year will turn out, but I'm dreading the results, knowing I'd most likely be disappointed with the results. However, time isn't within my control, so guess I'll just attempt to make the most out of the time remaining, let go and forgive myself for making mistakes.

Maths has been my ultimate disappointment so far, and I'm sure there many other subjects to follow, but none I have to deal with yet. It's quite depressing to the point I don't even want to think about it. Teacher's a hag too. 

Exams results are so unpredictable, the exams I was distraught about didn't turn out quite as bad as the one I felt more confident in.

Through this experience I suppose that I learnt to forget the exam completely until results are out, even then there is no point of feeling shit, even though its inevitable at times. The attitude to deal with this is to just learn from experience and mistakes and work to improve the situation.

...and like they say "Every cloud has a silver lining"

So in every bad situation, we can choose to see the positive light of situations. 

Family situation was intense during my preparation of half yearly and my failure to manage this trauma resulted in a diverted concentration and loss of motivation. Instead of placing studies as my top priority, I didn't know what my top priority was anymore. 

Lover and friends just don't stop the dramas in my life. 

They fail to realize the LAST thing I need is drama and chaos, so I'll be avoiding potential problems and issues.

Besides the frustrations I've been dealing with the past month, I have stopped dancing and been more school oriented, studying and reflecting. So far the only highlight I've had this week was a photo-shoot, which later resulted in some ethical issues regarding the outfit. Again, there are many things in life that cannot be justified completely. So I'll leave thee with a quote 

"For there is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so" - Shakespeare

I really want to focus on my work and do well in these last remainder 6 months. There are many great things planned that awaits in the months to come, and I can't wait.

I'll be updating again soon,

Cynthia

Outta My System Remix

Damn I mean, I just keep thinkin about you

I mean, I wanna move on but I can't move on

It's like you got some kinda hold of me and, I don't know 

But imma go ahead and talk about it, listen..

You got me lovin', trippin' n hurtin' like damn,

Doing things I don't even understand,

You're still running through my mind,

When I'm knowin that you shouldn't be,

Me all on your mind and Im knowin that it couldn't be

'Cause you aint called and I ain't even appalled,

I still got a lota pain, I ain't dealt with it all,

been runnin' round with other boys, I'm single and they lovin' it,

I'm likin' it but I just want the one that I was in love with

You had the best of me, why you let that go?

You became the worst of me, you & I both know,

You got a hold or some kinda control of me,

Now you've gone away, and you've taken what is left of me..

Been a while but you still running through my mind

Tryan keep with time, guess I've been running behind,

And I'm tryna get by lies that we're meant to be,

convinced baby all along that we were destiny..

When I'm with somebody, all I think about is you,

When I'm all alone, that's all I wanna do,

I miss the smilin faces in my Sidekick, outta state visits,

All the time we spent together,

Makes it hard to get you outta my system

And you know what you do to me?

You don't even understand, damn,

And you know what you do to me,?

It's so hard to get you outta my system

I be in all the top spots, leavin with the hot shots,

Knowin they just want me cause they wantin' what they ain't got,

But I'm beggin you to stay and you're going your way,

my therapy ain't helpin' cos he's got my head rockin'

thinkin' who he's with, where he at, the girls he be pickin'?

No babyboy, I ain't scared of losing out,

I ain't on a one road high way, there's open route,

young ballas lining up just to be where you've been,

so now I'm getting you outta my system all over again..

I remember everything that me & you talked about,

Me and you had our whole life planned out together,

And if I could, I would turn back the hands of time,

And correct all my mistakes that I ever did

But now I guess I gotta move on, right?

It's still hard and I still love you to this day..