Misjudgement

'Time is gonna take my mind and carry it far away where I can fly...' Her voice trails off into the fading melody. Time. Maybe this time. It'll be worth the weight.

'Half a decade older' he would joke to his friends with his face buried in his hands as though he was embarrassed and I would simply laugh, knowing that he didn't really mean it and it wasn't a matter that concerned us. Our minds stand ambiguously on the boarder of a generation difference, but his empathetic nature permits the growth that bonds us and allows our differences to intertwine. My mind convinces that it's absurd to love someone after knowing them for a month, and maybe I don't yet, but I can only be certain of one thing and that is it would be harder to refrain from loving him.

--------- after a month in China --------

"Don't get too attached" I've heard them say to me over and over with every guy I fall for in this recent last year.

Either the guy isn't worth the weight or it was just another way of saying, 'he doesn't want a serious relationship with you', without trying to insult.

After just 3 months, my intended short infatuation has prolonged, encouraging a dwelling of emotions developing as I find a familiar comfort and security in him. More of me becomes vulnerable, as I open up to him, hoping maybe this time I won't be hurt, whether I love him yet is debatable, probably not. I like him a lot.

He is someone trustworthy, honest and possessed all the vital traits of an ideal partner/friend. Expectation has been an oblivious flaw, a subtle flaw that has costed many nights of tears and heartaches.

I feel what I want, knowing it's not good for me because those were just words and assumptions playing games with my head. Now, I want to feel nothing. To just be numb. The paucity of sensation to wash over for a moment just so I can gather and recompose myself in last night's mess.

Scurrying through my mind is the resonating voice of the one that has torn me, disappointed me. 'You've changed', he would say in anger, in hate, in pain. I must of been in denial for a while, because it's evident what's changed, I'm no longer the type of girl my type of guy would want to be with in a serious relationship with and if they did, they most definitely would not be the type of guy I want.

'No expectations, no disappointments', and if that's true than I must of expected too much.

PS. What I did get out of this was a fine lesson, fine dines & a Louis Vuitton handbag! haha

Anticipate

A day away from HSC

Flashback, I remember my experience during the HSC trials. You know, the internal assessment that determined my rank/position at school and the exam that has a significant profound impact on my final RAW UAI mark.

Studying was never my forte, but I remember I managed to work harder than I have ever in my academic life... persevering only the first week in. 

Second week, my momentum to study had disappeared and the fatigue shouldered my capability to withstand late hours to concentrate.

Now. A day away. I dread DejaVu. 

Now. I cannot let anything else cloud my mind. Must not let my priorities be altered, nor let anything else surpass the grounds of my list to study. 

On a lighter note, intuition assures me this cannot be worse than the trials, and with support of my dear friends that I must not forget...

Shoutout to my girls & gents.

Anastasia Livanova: Neigaga you with me ALL the way through HSC

David Truong: Thanks for the hot chocolates you would take away for me and company

John Lin: Optimistic personality that has motivated me and your undying support

Logan P: Organizing my events, so that I can spend more time on studying

Matthew Chan: Putting a smile on my face ever since I've met you

Mon He: My grammar police that saved my ass

Daniel Kwon: HSC brother, whether you're stressing or not, you still put me up there with your priorities, offering to help me the entires years, lucky I didn't take an advantage of you and abused you with my essays. 

HSC in #8 days.

As the days to HSC inches closer. I fathom the fact that time doesn't wait when you need it to nor will it hurry when you want it to. It's only up to me to catch up on the time I've lost. But who am I to kid, when I'm competing against students that have been be 'catching up on the lost time' the entire time they were on time. I've become more wary that these last 8 days of cramming and studying will no longer have the same profound impact on my results as it would of... if only I was even mildly consistent with my studying routine. 

My mind feels restless, regardless the amount of hours of sleep I have. Aggravation feeds on my stubborn attitude and I await for something to create motivation, intimidation and inspiration to study.

My momentarily escape is derived from the smokes I inhale like a psychedelic drug provisionally obfuscating these anticipated days that are edging closer. Breathe. Study. 

I need to steer away from distraction and focus. I dread seeing myself in the next 8 days, at the same time, grateful this will all be over soon. 

And I can only infer that I can only do what I can. No regrets. Just do.

Breaking the Rules

Dear Blog-readers,

It's been a while since I've posted a half-decent blog, but tonight I feel as though I may need to, even if to briefly reflect on events that has made me ponder whether I have broken the rules of which the foundation of my character stands.

In this dire state of midnight heartache, my mind wrestles, all in desperate approach to deliberate the "right" judgements and the actions to follow.

Just a quick warning to my fellow blog-readers, brace for somberness with what you might read...

I've come to realize, people are always in search of finding comfort, even knowingly in places we know we may not find, and in the same way, hope against all logic and against all experience.

In the past months, i have relinquished my time of studying to indulge in the comforting essence in which I found through his mere presence. I was almost instantly enamored. I failed to calculate the aftermaths of being infatuated without knowing the predicaments of his creation.

Its taken a while, but tonight I admit defeat, choked in desolation.

Vying to differ between sincerity in which his actions speaks and sweet-talks, this revelation has only filled me with forlorn hopes of building a genuine relationship... in general. It is not the first time, I have mistaken cajolement for honest words of admiration.

My confusion with him lies on the fact that he is so genuine by nature and his nickname 'bona fide', emphasizes such. Without meaning to sound conceited, I don't doubt his praises, but why bother if you got another? Why play these games if you're not willing to deal (with the consequences of being discovered)?

Why bother to engage so intimately in conversations and approach me in ways to connect and bond us?

If this chapter of his and I could be re-written and re-configured, I wish I didn't turn to someone else for consolation when he cowered with his feelings to tell me he felt the exact same way as I did...

Why hold me, as we're lying exposed and feeling the inner rhythms of your heartbeat, do you confide the tough times you've had in life? Why make me feel this comfortable with you?

I have mastered the arts to skillfully mask my pain over for a strong facade, my heartaches still exist. I cannot find solutions or easy answers to manage this complexity of matter, causing an obscure poignance to the most tender of my emotions.

We all wish to be proven right but I dreaded to be proven right this time. Worst, he admits to his callousness with the situation and leaves me with nothing to reason, fight for because the truth is laid out.

All I am left with now are choices to adjudicate, moral dilemmas and self-questioning of my integrity by altering my ego to excuse my desire of being with him. But there is nothing for me to do but hope it goes away in time, to take a deep breath and wait for the throbbing pain to subside.

A thought, a piece of food for your mind =]

"At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them."

MONKEY MONKEY ! =)

Babe, I thought we were iller than that, 
all them kisses and cuddles,
you had me fallin' crazy in fact,
I ain't no ruthless chick, I admit I did wrong,
I didn't mean to bury, just wanted shit to move on,
cos you made me wanna get real comfortable with you
stick around, show love and be down for you,
but i didn't know how to tell you i wanted more, 
i do shit calmed but you even had me rip up a war,
bring bodily harm, backhand palm, frontin' the whore
and i couldn't let go, our plans still raw...
and i know you ain't the best for my health,
but best will come to our business and wealth,
so homeboy we gon stay mutual, big love, no hate,
cos we got an empire ready to create
think about the aftermaths, chronic stash
we be illin, chillin & counting cash..

UPDATE: Btw If you haven't already checked out my new July Photoshoot, CHECK IT !

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=125510&id=782500129&l=ce71180642

Props to z'Photographer: Matt Hopko

From one of My FAV poet

"Flashy Words' - Shihan"

Flashy words make the world turn but it don't turn right
Flashy words make the world turn but it don't turn right
So I use these, real eyes to, realize the real lies
being spoken but not heard 'cause
We are more fascinated by that which are fabricated
The, iconoclastic tactless tactician aims 
Tongues spits truth, words like wrecking balls
Bounce off brains 'cause nobody likes to hear what's going on these days it's like<
The truth hurts
And we've been lied to a bunch of hollowed minds living on borrowed times and
Nobody likes to hear that and nobody likes to say it either 'cause
Lazy Angels never carry their wings and
Wingless words do nothing but keep us down so
This New York poet yells there is no satisfaction in knowing that
Your life is one of the saddest fictions ever written.
So take your not so satisfactory life back
To the Sadness Factory to
Be reworked and to
Be rewritten and to
Be reconfigured to live right. 

Open your brain let your heart go
The Real You has been locked within your ribcage for too long and
Stop trying to hold on to then 'cause that's why it all started.
And about that same time He forgot fun
She lost hope and now We
Can't find anything.
And I swear to God if I could swear to God I'd ask Her
What the fuck was She thinking when She gave us Free Will
Cause we don't fucked things up 'cause
Kids dont play and God don't pray
'Cause it's out of Her hands now.
See I've rewritten the Bible after getting over the primal rage
Of finding my name disguised within a Bible's page and
People trying to dissect my destiny to find that
Words somehow make the world turn but it really doesn't turn right.
And suddenly the world stops spinning because words weren't good enough.
So I tell you a blind man once told me the true meaning of love at first sight
So I close my eyes and I recited this poem
To a audience of one that found total gratification and my undivided attention
And when I opened my eyes I found myself standing before a mirror
Staring into the eyes of an invisible man until my pupils became pupils
And I could teach myself to live a better life.
From a piece of mind brings peace of mind all I gotta do is give a piece of mine
Only the words piece together the pieces in me to create peace within me.
But shit they are all pieces
Pieces to a puzzle which when put together, is me.

So let me tell you something
Don't ever do anything you're not supposed to
And speak only when spoken to
And don't speak unless you mean
'Cause a good man is hard to find
and a hard man is good to find
And I'm half the man I used to be and
One fourth the person I should be or could be
'Cause I sacrificed freedom for stardom
After being fucked out of my freedom without a condom
Now how dumb was I.
Words, break these words down to the syllables
They all are the silly bulls they represent
And what do I represent?
Well it's hard to say when my rep resents the fact that I have to question myself when each time that question represents itself.
I can, therefore I am and,
Sticks and stones may break your bones but 
Words will always teach you.

Love Game

Relationship Status: N/A ?

Status: Now I see your game, should have known not to play with fire..

A wise woman kisses, but doesn't love, 

listens but doesn't believe

leaves before she is left

He doesn't know that just because my eyes don't tear, doesn't mean my heart don't cry

and just because I come off strong, doesn't mean there's nothing wrong.

At a young age, I was told by a psychic that I would be wealthy, but my love life would always be a problem I'd face continuously. Now, those words resounds in the back of mind and haunts me with every relationship I create. I'm so sick of people trying to dissect my destiny like nothing can be changed to alter my fate, but my gut instinct suppresses my belief.

My greatest regret is not learning, mistakes made once before, resurrected last night and I wished thing could have been dealt differently. 

Young and naive to think I could escape something that would eventually chase up to me.

'At the end it's all comes down to trust, true?', true. At the end, relationships are built on the foundations of trust. Everything else will deteriorate when he can't trust and I don't trust.

I'm a gambler in nature, I'm willing to take risks for all or nothing at all..

& I leave this love game with nothing at all .. 

On the positive note, I've got nothing left to lose on my next one.

Love: 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

"Love is always patient and kind.

It is never jealous. Love is

never boastful or conceited. It

is never rude or selfish. It does

not take offense and is not

resentful. Love takes no pleasure

in other people's sins, but

delights in the truth. It is

always ready to excuse, to trust,

to hope, and to endure whatever

comes."

Freeze.

In the heated midst of violence and self inflicted damages, I find comfort knowing that I am untouchable, and though violence is in motion all in front of me I do realize the thousand miles that separates us. My mind screams, 'its the wrong choice', but my words speaks differently. It's not that I lie but an internal war I fight. I don't deserve to be treated this way but I'm confronted that instantly 'You deserve it.' Do I really? After all if you can not accept my wrong doing than leave me in peace, cause I rather that.

Will the haunting past leave with him?

But who are you to judge? You're not superior than me, wiser in age perhaps, but nothing better. I treated you with utmost respect to be yelled and screamed at in return and accused of giving you a reason for your own wrong doing. JUSTIFY THAT.

I know I deserve better than what you give me, I might have been you're little bitch, but how long do you think I can tolerate your shit while others are willing to offer better, more and better than what I think I deserve.

I use to believe you loved me and I still did till two days ago. I didn't know how to let go of someone like you I thought I couldn't find again, but I'm wrong. You've proved me wrong twice, both those reasons are the only reason why I held on and held my arms open to you. Baby you're just human and I thought you were my angel.

So you say you care, do you really give a shit about my state when you bring out past to blast me about? Do you consider my illness, sickness and weakness? Do you consider that I'm currently emotionally unstable? Do you even give a flying shit that you give me more trauma after a whole entire night of tears I've cried, the emotional ride I've been through and my temporary recovery? Is that even a concern to you.

You grind the surface of my fresh wound. Could at least give me some time to heal? Do you even care on nights you call me when I have exams and school the following morning? Do you even consider your own words that you'll support me, how are you going to do that? Yeah I see you're hurting, but do you think I'm not. Cos even if there was something pissing the fuck out of me, I select the appropriate circumstances so that it won't fuck up whatever you doing. Have I ever hinder you from doing something important because some issues I have with you?

What disappoints me the most is the qualities I use to admire bout you have disappeared.

"I will be stronger, wiser and better than what she will ever be" I quote thee.. really so? Babe I wish you the best of luck cause you properly need it, you're not greater than me but if by oppressing me makes you feel a bit better than by all means, but people aren't blind, those that open their eyes can see and judge for themselves and those judge based upon your words are as blind and pathetic as the one that claims it...

Lastly and most importantly, I want to thank ALL that have supported me through this low point in life, thanks for those that have prayed for my father and those that stood by me. I love you all..

But yaaa knowwwww I'm a Hustlerrrrrrrrrr =P

Cynthia

Toy Soldier

Must be the time of chaos again in the year, when the roller-coaster begins again...

Toy soldiers, perhaps you've been wondering why this title. Have you ever felt like you were being treated like a toy? That the person can completely disregard your emotions but play on your weakness the way she/he feels. That when she/he fights for you to come back, you'll fall back into their arms smiling knowing you'll most likely be torn to tears soon. You struggle to leave and treat her/him how you would otherwise treat others that showed the same amount of disrespect or hatred with the pride you have, fighting yourself to throw it all away and hoping she/he'll see it, but she/he misinterprets you, misunderstand and continues to pull you apart. 

When the moments of test arrives, she/he can discard you like you were nothing more but a backstabbing friend that didn't deserve a second look.

A mistreated toy, old, unwanted and though it's carried years of memories, the beauties gone. New ones can easily be found to replace what was once cherished...

Just a piece of thought... 

Hustling through the half yearly exams has really drained my energy away...

My results has been disastrous except it was expected, thankfully I've had some great supports from mates that assure me I will be getting a good mark and assist me till the end of the year. Its somewhat relieving but knowing this is also pressure, to not disappoint them at the end.

I'm excited to find out how my final year will turn out, but I'm dreading the results, knowing I'd most likely be disappointed with the results. However, time isn't within my control, so guess I'll just attempt to make the most out of the time remaining, let go and forgive myself for making mistakes.

Maths has been my ultimate disappointment so far, and I'm sure there many other subjects to follow, but none I have to deal with yet. It's quite depressing to the point I don't even want to think about it. Teacher's a hag too. 

Exams results are so unpredictable, the exams I was distraught about didn't turn out quite as bad as the one I felt more confident in.

Through this experience I suppose that I learnt to forget the exam completely until results are out, even then there is no point of feeling shit, even though its inevitable at times. The attitude to deal with this is to just learn from experience and mistakes and work to improve the situation.

...and like they say "Every cloud has a silver lining"

So in every bad situation, we can choose to see the positive light of situations. 

Family situation was intense during my preparation of half yearly and my failure to manage this trauma resulted in a diverted concentration and loss of motivation. Instead of placing studies as my top priority, I didn't know what my top priority was anymore. 

Lover and friends just don't stop the dramas in my life. 

They fail to realize the LAST thing I need is drama and chaos, so I'll be avoiding potential problems and issues.

Besides the frustrations I've been dealing with the past month, I have stopped dancing and been more school oriented, studying and reflecting. So far the only highlight I've had this week was a photo-shoot, which later resulted in some ethical issues regarding the outfit. Again, there are many things in life that cannot be justified completely. So I'll leave thee with a quote 

"For there is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so" - Shakespeare

I really want to focus on my work and do well in these last remainder 6 months. There are many great things planned that awaits in the months to come, and I can't wait.

I'll be updating again soon,

Cynthia

Outta My System Remix

Damn I mean, I just keep thinkin about you

I mean, I wanna move on but I can't move on

It's like you got some kinda hold of me and, I don't know 

But imma go ahead and talk about it, listen..

You got me lovin', trippin' n hurtin' like damn,

Doing things I don't even understand,

You're still running through my mind,

When I'm knowin that you shouldn't be,

Me all on your mind and Im knowin that it couldn't be

'Cause you aint called and I ain't even appalled,

I still got a lota pain, I ain't dealt with it all,

been runnin' round with other boys, I'm single and they lovin' it,

I'm likin' it but I just want the one that I was in love with

You had the best of me, why you let that go?

You became the worst of me, you & I both know,

You got a hold or some kinda control of me,

Now you've gone away, and you've taken what is left of me..

Been a while but you still running through my mind

Tryan keep with time, guess I've been running behind,

And I'm tryna get by lies that we're meant to be,

convinced baby all along that we were destiny..

When I'm with somebody, all I think about is you,

When I'm all alone, that's all I wanna do,

I miss the smilin faces in my Sidekick, outta state visits,

All the time we spent together,

Makes it hard to get you outta my system

And you know what you do to me?

You don't even understand, damn,

And you know what you do to me,?

It's so hard to get you outta my system

I be in all the top spots, leavin with the hot shots,

Knowin they just want me cause they wantin' what they ain't got,

But I'm beggin you to stay and you're going your way,

my therapy ain't helpin' cos he's got my head rockin'

thinkin' who he's with, where he at, the girls he be pickin'?

No babyboy, I ain't scared of losing out,

I ain't on a one road high way, there's open route,

young ballas lining up just to be where you've been,

so now I'm getting you outta my system all over again..

I remember everything that me & you talked about,

Me and you had our whole life planned out together,

And if I could, I would turn back the hands of time,

And correct all my mistakes that I ever did

But now I guess I gotta move on, right?

It's still hard and I still love you to this day..

Rainbow

So I was watching So You Think You Can Dance 2009.

This year I know 3 people in the current Top 20 and Nacho Pop =] 

Pania, my dancing instructor for street Jazz and Hip-hop for a few months, her boyfriend Emmanuel and my ballroom dancing partner of a month, Damien. So I wish them all the best and hopefully they make it to the finals!!

After watching that show, I realized there's 3 types of dance that I LOVE watching..

Rumba, I just loveeeeeeeeeeeeee it! So sensual and beautiful to watch.. 

Contemporary and Lyrical Hip hop =D ahahah actually they're all pretty good but thats my top 3 genre of dance I love watching.

So today, the song that caught my attention is by:

Elisa - Rainbow

and it's not the first time Elisa music got me mesmerized. Dancing - Elisa is a f*#$in nice song too & check out this dance routine. I think this dance was partially the reason why I fell in love with the song.

Lacey & Cameron's Contemporary 

The dance is so touching I just adore it .. 

Well I got to get back to work, haven't been doing much all day.. HAHA

Ta, 

Cynthia

Valentines Day

Happy Valentines Blog Readers

♥♥♥

A quick blog today because I have many other 'things' that I need to do first.

I didn't celebrate Valentines again this year, but I hope everyone else did and for those that didn't, doesn't really matter.. there's MORE to come!

All you fine singles enjoy the commitment-free lifestyle and bring on the games! 

The couples on the other hand, be grateful you guys have someone to share this day with and cherish it, make the most it =] Spoil each other and yeah quick message to the boys, girls expect something even if we say we don't =P AHAHAHA

xx Taaaaaaa

Cynthia

Baby Stay?

It's been a while since I've come across a song that could be this easily associated to my previous relationship, providing an insight of how I felt and reason to my behavior. I give the song the credits as it is able to articulate the emotions that I wouldn't be able to put into words myself otherwise.

Go on.. 

You know you want to =P

Click the link. HAHA

Stay - Jay Sean

You, said it once,

Said it twice,

Said it hurts, but I do it again

I don't change, I don't learn, cause I can't let it end

Said it's gone, let it be, 'cause you don't need a friend

Maybe I do...

I pull and you push and we cry

Till we laugh again I,

Promise you, you promise me back and then why

Does it all fall apart in just a matter of time..

So I'm thinking maybe

You've made up your mind

Cause you're distant

And I can't stand to fight no more

So please don't make me hurt you like I do

I don't really trust myself to leave, 

Even thought I hear you sayin' baby no

(no, no, no no no, no no)

I can't take no more of this still

I'm knock, knock, knockin' on your door

Askin if you still let me in

Won't you stay .. 

Memories of the fun that we had and photographs on the wall

Now I can't make you smile or hear you laugh anymore

And I can't help or ask, what's the point of it all

Tell me baby..

Call it love, call it blame, call it joy, call it pain,

But I fell, call it boy what you may but it's painful as hell

To be here while you're there don't need nobody else...

If you're so meant for me

And if I'm so meant for you

Why does this have to be so hard on both of us two?

-------------------------♥------------------------

Some of you have been curious and wondering why this song has any relations to my situation. Let me illuminate you blog readers into a bit of my past in regards to the lyrics of course! TEEHEE

Fighting and fussing, we always feuded over my faults.

I'm rather stubborn and somewhat dominant in where I stood in the relationship.

I was always the one that was too young to care, the immature one, the one making the mistakes, causing the fights and jumping into action before thinking twice about the consequences. 

Every time we fight, it rips me up, I feel his pain cause I watch him hurt, but somehow I manage to do it again, regardless how many times he's said not to.

I don't change, I don't learn. I was inLOVE, but I wasn't willing to change, in fear knowing that in order to gain you lose. I wasn't game enough to take the risk.

Life's a gamble, love's a game, are YOU game to deal? 

If you knew us, you would know he was always the one that could discipline himself and sacrifice, something I'm still wary of whether I am capable of doing so. 

He once told me he didn't need anyone but me, but I felt different, what's life without friends and family so maybe I do. I love him enough to leave them, but I don't want to, they are a part of who I am, all that I am and become. They are the reason he fell in love with me in the first place. 

In the heat of arguments, sometimes he would tell me it's all gone...

Let it be, if it's meant to be, it'll happen. I didn't want to challenge and fight fate. It's a white lie, I would fight to change my destiny if I knew I didn't want it to end that way. I believed that in the beginning but grew out of it, 'Let it be' was just another way of meaning 'I can't be bothered trying and putting in so much effort', partially because I thought no matter what I'd always be with him. 

I guess it didn't matter all that much, because at the end of the day we both have a smile on our faces, laughing and loving. 

We would come to a resolution we were both satisfied with, I would promise him I'd try, and he would promise me he'll try not to get so worked up, but it all falls apart in a matter of time, like promises were made to be broken somehow.

After a year of constant dispute, I couldn't stand to fight no more, in the back of my mind I was starting to feel insecure. He didn't give in and apologize like he did before, he didn't take that extra step back so I could compose myself, instead all fights were head on head. 

He couldn't cope with my attitude and I couldn't cope so well with his, I didn't want to hurt him anymore, but the rage was overwhelming. He couldn't trust me, I can't blame him, I didn't even trust myself. My head was so muddled, I was so confused, so stirred in all the arguments that I think I lost myself fighting to be myself. 

Our original motto was, hand in hand for everything: Him & Me VS. World

So I'm thinking maybe, he's made up his mind. He was someone new, someone distant.

The last verse REALLY relates to how things are currently. Memories, that's all that is left. 

Perhaps this chapter of separation is part of our story that is to be continued or perhaps the story has already closed, and we've both started a new one.

I still keep our photographs. Difference is, I can't make him smile anymore and that hurts. 

I still hear him laugh and that hurts too because the only time I do hear him laugh is on the phone to another. 

Why do I stick around to get hurt, what's the point of this all?

Fights, cold wars, forced silence, why? we're not even together, these days I retreat when I sense a fight coming along. I stick around because I love having him in my life, there is only a point if he still makes me happy, which he does, but what's the point if every time we're connecting, the bad constantly overtakes the good.

Call it whatever it is, it's painful as hell, to be here while he is there. 

Sometimes I play dumb but I know exactly where he is, what's his doing, I play along for my own sake because it helps soften any blow that hits me hard.

All in all, it comes back to a few lines that sums everything together, something maybe YOU would like to challenge, something I choose not to challenge today.

If he was so meant for me and I was so meant for him, why does this have to be so hard on both of us? Because I know I have love for him, I know he's got love for me, so why is everything and all we've encountered stopping us from being together. If what we said was true and we were meant to be, then why is it we repel from each other?

Dinner time,

Cynthia

xoxo

I'm losing

...my mind and all these random stuff around me.

AHHHH I lost my notebook! how did I lose that?! I lost my sunglass case, how the hell I lose that?! OMG I need to replace my phone, it's like ridiculously retarded as well. What phone should I get?? 

Oh I need a new shopping list as well.

I need to buy new exercise book considering I lost the one I have =[ I need to buy new shoes and new ipod and OMG the more I think about it the more frustrated I am.

I really want to catch up on my sleep as well, but I'm so stressed cause I know there are so many school shit I should be catching up on, and school work due tomorrow and assessment to be preparing for and oral assessments as well, because of that I can't fall asleep, but I know I won't be doing anything even if I stay up. OMG just punch me the fuck out aye, at least I get some rest! LOL 

Well I shall update this blog properly soon, not now, not this state. 

Goodnights,

xoxo

2009

Happy New Year
2009
TWO.OH-OH.NINE

For many it will be an opportunity to make a turn, mend problems and establish new resolutions. For others, a time to improve or make a change all with the aim to create a bigger and a better year ahead.

For me, I can already sense that this will be a chaotic year, my most crucial academic year.
1019, Valentines, Assessments/Assignments, Getting my Ps, Getting my Car, HSC Examinations, High School Graduation, Selection of University/College, Year 12 Formal, Yearlies, Travelling plans, Decision on where I will be settled for the upcoming 4 years and so after 2009.
So then my ultimate concern now is How to deal with the approaching year.

Whilst numerous are celebrating the new year at parties and gatherings with friends, drinks and smokes counting down to the fireworks. I spent my NYE with my parent and younger brother at Burswood Casino Hotel, though it wasn't the ideal new year celebration I was hoping for, it was a warming to spend the new year with my family.

Let me enlighten my fellow blog readers a little about my life at the moment: As most already know, I am spending my summer break in the capital city of Western Australia, Perth, catching up with friends and my extended family. The weather is sizzling and tanning is best during the late afternoons. I've learned to love the warm heat radiating off my back balanced after a swim and dip into the cool water. That's my summer. Personally I have attempted not only a psychological approach to change but a physical one too for the new year by dying my hair more summerish colour, also seen as absurd by my father.

Nothing has gone as planned, and I don't recall ever being this disappointed. There was a reason behind this Perth trip, and because the plan obliterated this trip has become pointless. My NYE and NY plan has been disheartening as well, my phone has been confiscated (for those wondering why I have not responded or those still awaiting my reply) and to add on top of that, I have not done any school related work. It has already been a rough kick into the new year, regardless it shouldn't change the attitude I have intended for this year.

Inescapable as it appears, it has almost developed into a habit to include a section about him if not emotions in most blogs I write.
So I start off with what was acknoledged in 2008 and that, he is my past. Its been se7en months since the breakup and one entire month without communication of any sort and I still can't keep him out of my mind on a daily basis. See, I even had this urge that I coulnd't fight off to order Brain Freeze with Sago (his favourite drink) when I walk into Tea Fusion, so time after time when I enter that place I order it, even when I don't feel like it, so the other night, I ended up getting a drink from Tea Fusion and another one at Utopia. Anyways I'm planning to end this ridiculous obsession with him soon, I don't have much of a plan, I'm just gonna speak it as it is and see how it turns out. Worst comes to worst I'll be in this same state... better, I'd be cured.

Anyways, thought I'd share my...
New Year Resolution FOR 2009
• Academically this should be achieved:
- SORII: 85%+
- English ExtI: 75%+
- Mathematic II: 80%+
- Business Studies: 84%+
- Economics: 73%+
• Show more affection and love to the ones I love
• Be more appreciative and positive
• Get my P's
• Cooties til 27th April `09
• Honesty (Knowledge is pain and thats why it hurts to know, but this is where honesty comes in, I shall be honest even if it hurts)
• Keep this blog updated on a more regular basis

Nothing is as it seems, so for the people who are currently experiencing a bad kick off into the new year, hold tight because the ride for 2009 has only just begun and in most cases, like the roller-coaster, the ride ususally starts at the bottom.

Enough, this blog is so stiff and serious, so here's just something for you blog readers to watch! Jizz in My Pants, check it. Crack up & it has a really catchy tune too.

Happy New Year loves!

Evening blog readers,
Cynthia
xoxo