Breaking the Rules

Dear Blog-readers,

It's been a while since I've posted a half-decent blog, but tonight I feel as though I may need to, even if to briefly reflect on events that has made me ponder whether I have broken the rules of which the foundation of my character stands.

In this dire state of midnight heartache, my mind wrestles, all in desperate approach to deliberate the "right" judgements and the actions to follow.

Just a quick warning to my fellow blog-readers, brace for somberness with what you might read...

I've come to realize, people are always in search of finding comfort, even knowingly in places we know we may not find, and in the same way, hope against all logic and against all experience.

In the past months, i have relinquished my time of studying to indulge in the comforting essence in which I found through his mere presence. I was almost instantly enamored. I failed to calculate the aftermaths of being infatuated without knowing the predicaments of his creation.

Its taken a while, but tonight I admit defeat, choked in desolation.

Vying to differ between sincerity in which his actions speaks and sweet-talks, this revelation has only filled me with forlorn hopes of building a genuine relationship... in general. It is not the first time, I have mistaken cajolement for honest words of admiration.

My confusion with him lies on the fact that he is so genuine by nature and his nickname 'bona fide', emphasizes such. Without meaning to sound conceited, I don't doubt his praises, but why bother if you got another? Why play these games if you're not willing to deal (with the consequences of being discovered)?

Why bother to engage so intimately in conversations and approach me in ways to connect and bond us?

If this chapter of his and I could be re-written and re-configured, I wish I didn't turn to someone else for consolation when he cowered with his feelings to tell me he felt the exact same way as I did...

Why hold me, as we're lying exposed and feeling the inner rhythms of your heartbeat, do you confide the tough times you've had in life? Why make me feel this comfortable with you?

I have mastered the arts to skillfully mask my pain over for a strong facade, my heartaches still exist. I cannot find solutions or easy answers to manage this complexity of matter, causing an obscure poignance to the most tender of my emotions.

We all wish to be proven right but I dreaded to be proven right this time. Worst, he admits to his callousness with the situation and leaves me with nothing to reason, fight for because the truth is laid out.

All I am left with now are choices to adjudicate, moral dilemmas and self-questioning of my integrity by altering my ego to excuse my desire of being with him. But there is nothing for me to do but hope it goes away in time, to take a deep breath and wait for the throbbing pain to subside.

A thought, a piece of food for your mind =]

"At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them."