No Promises

I know they say people who make excuses will always be failures, but seriously I have had no time whatsoever in these past days to submit any blogs with my daily routine consisting of waking up in the late afternoon and rushing out of the house by 4pm or 5pm. My first meal is usually one's third meal of the day, then I go busy with whatever I am busy with (usually making the most out of my holiday). I then get home at 12-2am and somehow I will manage to kill two hours before I snooze off to sleep, and before I know it, I'm back in the routine.

So maybe you will now understand the reason I have not been able to blog, however two days ago I woke to an eye infection, known as conjunctivitis usually this is obtained through unhygienic contacts with the eye. So now I cannot wear contact lens for this upcoming week, meaning I have to go shopping for optical glasses and I have my eyes set on these nice Bvlgari pink&black glasses, quite pricey but it's nice.
The downside is I can no longer forcefully strain my eyes as I so often do and due to the fact I am also currently half blind, going out is a struggle, leaving me to my one and only option left, to sleep... not that it's a problem.
Daddy came back this morning, so I had to pick him up from the airport then we went breakfast, this is the earliest I have woken up since my holiday started beside one morning I went for a jog in the morning but somehow found myself eating Maccas` HotCakes at Sin's apartment within the first hour of departure. So enough of my convincing excuses, let me blog.

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Would you give it all just to taste my love?

There has been some thoughts that has been stimulating my mind for the past nights, the usual questions without answers, problems without solutions, pain without ease and even with solution, no actions can be taken. Simple aimless circling thoughts leading nowhere.
At every possible alone moment my mind drifts back and resumes with the continuing thoughts where I left off.

I stripped into the shower the minute I got home from dance the other night, my body had dried sweat and the clothing sticky against my bare skin. I let the running water in the shower warm up and steam the room before I stepped out of my thongs and onto the cold tiles. My body ached and I was exhausted but I could finally breathe again. The day was long and nothing else at the moment formed in my thoughts besides him and my bed, I laughed at how ironic it was for me to place 'him' and 'my bed' together at the same time, but that was all I could bring myself to think about. I watch the hot running water wash away my day and swirl away beneath me, I felt lighter as I step out, got dressed and slip under my covers. I left the window in my bedroom open and occasionally I'd feel a light chilling breeze brush by, the room is dark and the only glimpse of light was from the silent moon ray shining through. I find myself unable to pull away from the dark thoughts as I lie solitude in my empty bed. The nights haven't been as cold, but I still wrap myself with blankets in hope to feel warmer inside, I let my mind roam around recalling words he spoke to me, my memory fixated on his love words and it plays along with the melody of the songs as my eyes closes and I leave behind it all into my own world.

The feelings of missing him is like being homesick, because I have found my own little home in him, comfortable and at ease. Home, being a place where I would feel familiar to no matter the physical alteration, a place where I'll always miss. It doesn't mean I can be there all the time but I will return one day to feel it all over again.

Life is like a roller-coaster and I refuse to be a spectator, I want to live life knowing I have lived at it's fullest. I've taken the risk with him, been at the peak and skidded down so fast I was scared to open my eyes and see what I've been missing out, only when I reach the bottom and stopped have I realized what I was blinded to see. I'd give it all up just to taste it all again, taste the love that took me higher and made me happier than any drugs could. Question is, will you give it all just to taste mine?

I miss hearing his voice, deep and caring as each word penetrates deep within. He's the only person that could make me feel alive, he floods me with emotions and it overwhelms me, but at all time I keep the possible notions that it could all just be too good to be true when he tells me 'I love you', my heart skips a beat like a scratched CD, I'm damaged at heart but I feel refreshed again. His promises tantalizes me and keeps me holding onto to what may just be a mere illusion, and that's what this love has become.
This morning I woke up, afraid and confused, days like this I miss him, I need him, I want him but I don't have him. I'm afraid of not loving him anymore because I loved being in love with him, I'm scared to lose what we've shared because I know it's real, I know there's something special between us, but how long can I possibly stick around the sideline and watch him enjoy life without me? How long before another guy comes and sweeps me off my feet? How long will I have to wait til he realize I am who he want and need? How long before.. it's all too late?
I don't know how to say it to him or when to ask him, because every time I try I choke on my own words, my chest tightens and my breath shallows. Some days it's irrelevant, some days it's crucial, but it doesn't change how much I need to feel his love again, how much I am still addicted to it. Please love me more or else I'll be gone, I don't want to leave but I feel like I'm fighting and racing myself to keep you and I'm few steps behind, I don't want to let go but I forgot how it was to be loved again. I miss you. I miss love.

Goodnight blog readers,
Cynthia